I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
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