I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
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