Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Randomize
