if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
Randomize
