I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
