Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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