Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
