I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Sext me about skeletons
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Randomize
