smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
Randomize
