Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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