This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
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