She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
He keeps bees of course he's weird
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
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