I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
