I love black thongs
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
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