he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Randomize
