Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
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