its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
Randomize
