There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
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We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
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GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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