You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
