I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
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