Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
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I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
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