haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
