...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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