i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
