I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Randomize
