my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
i out mim tonsoeep
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