And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Randomize
