When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Randomize
