i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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