She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Randomize
