i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
