Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
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