My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
I deserve to be covered in dicks
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
Randomize
