So it's 10:55am and I just woke up on the floor in the hallway on the4th floor. There should probably be no moredrinking competetions.
Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
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