I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
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