she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
