Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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