porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
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