she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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