I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
Randomize
