She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
Randomize
