he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
Randomize
