true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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