omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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