Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
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