i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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