my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
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