apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Randomize
