Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
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