It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Randomize
