I cut my penus on the lid.
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
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