Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
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