Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
Randomize
