i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Randomize
