if only i could text you this smell
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
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