im sorry i didnt take advantage of you..iwaned to
i wanted you to too
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
