the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Randomize
